feelings towards autumn.

I've been sorting through my feelings in regards to autumn. it's a little bit the same every year. I love summer.... if you know me at all, you know I love summer. I love it through and through. even when it lets me down, I go right on loving it. I tend to find it a bit too short. it can be hard to love it as much as you know you need to in such a short amount of time. and well.... let's face it. winter is... tremendously long. impressively long. carelessly long. it's stunning in both it's beauty and it's determined length. and well... I.... it gets kind of.... it could stand to be shorter. to be brutally honest, I find that it kills my souls a little... every February and March. June and July tend to fix the damages.... only to withstand until the next February I'm afraid. and so as the summer dwindles, I find a dread begins to form. tiny at first... small enough I can brush it into the dusty corner of my mind and forget about it. but with the first morning I wake up to find bite in the air, it grows. and pokes it's tired eyes out from the pile of dust. I try to mostly keep the eyes at my back though. I soak up the sunshine on my face a little more appreciatively perhaps, but the eyes of dread don't change much beyond that. but then the first leaf drops on my windshield and it all feels much to quick and my heart sinks and the dread laughs a little. the brave branches on the trees are always the first to be bitten and gradually the rest of the tree relents. the colors around here are mostly shades of yellow. green-yellow is not to be confused with yellow-green. a touch of orange here and there. the rare, but rich red. and with the colors I remember. I remember how much I love autumn. I love it nearly as much as summer. every year I seem to forget. if you asked me as a child I would have said that autumn was my favorite season. every time. now, it's a painful reminder that summer is on it's way out and winter is coming up the steps. there have been times with autumn comes and goes within the span of a week. the winds come and strip the trees of all their boastful colors before they even have a chance to grow haughty. wicked wind. (fall winds always seem more wicked than spring winds, don't you think?) so every year, I cringe when I realize autumn is here. and, every year, I rejoice when I realize that autumn. is. here. I would argue that it is the prettiest season. I would also argue that it's even more too-short than summer. so dread.... go to bed... at least until winter is too long again.... maybe March?

puzzle piece.

step outside. breathe deep the fragrant air. walk through the frost that's rising from it's frozen depths.
hear the lonely bird celebrate. and feel and know, straight to the marrow of your bones, that spring will indeed come again. it's on nights like these, with the magnified quiet and the only sounds coming from the bird and those bold drops of liquid snow... on nights like these ones life feels like a puzzle piece that fits just right.

found one.

i found something to say!

you may not care. well then... you stop reading. you stop it right now. and go home. or go write a blog about blonde girls who writes about dumb things.

blogger has changed a lot since i last used it. after my last post, i was clicking around... checking things out. trying to keep up with technology. you can see how many times your page has been viewed. and what country it was viewed from. and let me tell you. interesting.... v-e-r-y interesting.

it shows me that in the last week, there were six page views from Canada. three page views from the United States. okay... sounds about right. i'm almost surprised it's so many.

but i have a question. why have there been twenty-two page views from Russia.
in.
the.
last.
week.
twenty-two. look how many letters it takes to write out that big of a number. twenty-two. Russia.

something to think about as i go to sleep i guess. don't worry. i have a glock under my pillow.

help!

i need help! i'm having writer's block.... in my entire life! i haven't written in my journal in forever (but that's a bit of a different situation anyway) and i haven't blogged either. obviously. i haven't taken my camera for a walk. i haven't drawn, or painted... or knit or baked! what's happening to me? will it always be like this!? my creativity is evaporating. i'm actually not that concerned.... i feel like it's mostly just a matter of re-arranging life and making savoring life and creating more of a priority. also i think i've been savoring different areas of life. different doesn't have to be bad. so you needn't worry too much. but maybe a little much.

but let's just focus on the blogging thing here. i. feel. like. i. have. nothing. to. say. well, nothing anyone really cares to hear about anyway.... (myself included) i mean, sure, i could ramble about something... i'm sure of it. but. there is already so much noise. so many people sharing their knowledge and opinions and creativity. so many people sharing their complaints and joys. it's all been said. or in this case, written. typed. you don't care to know what i ate for breakfast. (well, maybe you do... and that's real sweet of you) you've seen the funny youtube video. you've heard more opinions than care to... on guns.. and the hobbit... and photo radar... and colored jeans. you've tried that nice tea. you've heard 1,000,000 new years resolutions and you don't agree with them anyway. you don't want to know what books i'm reading. you don't need any more new music and if you did we might have very different taste. you saw a pretty sunset too. you smelled coffee and were transported to another world for the briefest of moments.

also, i don't really think anyone reads this... well, probably my mom. but it's easy to not write when it feels like you have nothing to say and no one to say it to. i suppose the point of blogging for myself was really just that... for myself. but obviously i'm putting it out there for people to read. i guess it can be a way of keeping in touch with the loved ones who are far off. but.. i mean, really. how deep will i get in a blog post. at this point, not very. although, who knows. the words may flow and flow and suddenly... we're in. real deep.

but the words aren't flowing. i probably just need to begin. but that's always the hardest part.

inspire me.... ?

new ringtone.

i made a new ringtone for my phone tonight! you may not consider this to be a very big accomplishment. but.... i'm not the techie in the family... my brother is. i'm quite capable (usually) but just not as "into" it as some other people i know... and i usually just let the "into" it people be... you know... "into" it... and i can stay out of it. and it still gets done. it's handy. but tonight i made a ringtone. all by myself. well.... i suppose i had a little youtube help. anyway... it's quite simple. here's the video i used. and i chose to use the first 28 seconds of "talk of the town" by jack johnson. i'm sure there's a way to link those 28 seconds here, but i don't want to overkill my tech-learning abilities. so if you care to hear it, you can call me when you're with me, or do your own researching.

also... i'm thinking about printing instagram photos... and doing something with them... i kind of like some of them... you know? any ideas? also.... and has anyone compared instagram and hipstagram? i'm thinking about giving histagram a whirl... but i love instagram. danny_elle .... feel free to browse.

( i don't think i have enough readers to shout out random questions.... sooo .... cheryl.. :) what do YOU think..?)

and last also... well, maybe the last one... mmm.. maybe not..? maybe-last-also: television. i'm not a big fan. actually... not really a fan at all. we don't have cable and i don't miss it at all. i'm not even kidding. i have never wished... not even once... that we had cable. i have been cable free for about two and a half years. it's just the best. working at the library helps... i can grab a dvd series if i want of what i want. and watch it when i want. it still doesn't happen that often, what with life being busy, and i usually have other things i enjoy doing (like reading) or should be doing (like cleaning). but.... BUT.... if you want to watch a wonderful series.... then you should watch this one. it's called "pushing daisies".  it's only two seasons long (which is good i think.. it could have gotten dull if it was any longer). and it's so unique. there's a narrator with an accent and the main characters wear swell outfits. it's sort of about death, but so lighthearted. so.... a happy morbid... ? i'm not into gore at all. blehhh. so believe me when i say it's oddly lighthearted. i just... really enjoyed it. and i want you to enjoy it too. it's so different from other tv. which is a plus in my eyes.

and finally. (honest) yesterday, we went to the phoenix public library. wow. just.... wow. wow. wow. we originally went there because my mom saw on some website out there in webland that they have some special sort of l.e.d. lights in the bathroom. we only had about 20 minutes to explore and it just so happened that the lights were broken. we managed to find a couple that were working in the last 2 minutes, but honestly, they were... nothing to blog home about. but the rest of that library was..... utterly fan.tas.tic. i ran up to the fifth floor... the top floor. i was like a kid in a candy store... a librarian in a library. so... let me list a few of the ways they are amazing.
-the have these like.... parking shelter things here. i guess it gets so hot that a lot of the shopping centers that don't have park-aides have a sort of car port roof over the whole row of parked cars. but. the library goes beyond that. they have solar panels on all of them. and why wouldn't they?! brilliant.
-two of the four sides of the five story building are windows walls. not walls with windows. windows are the walls. so you have this amazing view of the city AND heaps of natural light. brilliant.
-they have these little glass "study rooms" so you can have a quiet place to study. because, contrary to popular belief, the library is not a quiet place so much these days.
-they have inspirational quotes painted on the hall when you walk in. you know... about reading and important things like that.
-they have put big numbers on the sides of the shelving units (in addition to the dewy-decimal numbers). so instead of trying to explain the dewy-decimal system, they can simply say, "isle 32". easy.
-oh! oh! oh! when summer solstice happens the light comes in these skylights at just the right angle to hit these cement pillars and they look like GIGANTIC candles with a little flame lit on the top. and they only use minimal lighting... above all the super-tidy-and-not-overly-crowded-shelves. and over desks. and by nifty couches.
-they've figured out how to make self-check-outs seamless. this is a big deal.

and i could probably go on and on. more than i already have. but i only had twenty minutes to be amazed. here's a couple photos for you. the little person is my mom.

mall.

i'm not usually that much of a mall person. i can go months without visiting the mall in my hometown. i lovelovelove to not spend heaps of money on clothes. yep, this girl, right here, loves ross and value village and such. love the deals, love the uniqueness. so overall, not too much of a mall person. BUT when i'm on holidays, we usually hit up a mall or two. today we went to a very... "posh" mall. when there are fresh flowers on the tables in the food court... well, you know you should have brushed your hair. maybe brought out the fake diamonds. we all decided to meet back at the "food court" in an hour. i went off and found the most affordable shop.... forever 21. and was totally overwhelmed.

lately i've been discovering this.... problem i have. i've been discovering that i have... oh i don't know.... ocd tendencies....? or we could just say i have a touch of quirkiness..? i've been noticing it in lots of areas... varying degrees. and mostly, i can shrug off or ignore the little thoughts pulling on my arm and demanding my attention. maybe i can expand on some of the other "quirks" another time. maybe it will get it out of my system to logically type it out and see how silly it all is. maybe? anyway.

i seem to need to "attack" a store... peruse..... browse... whatever.... in a ... thorough sort of way. go up and down the isles... front to back... left to right. and when i'm not able to use this system or it's really hard to implement.... i get... hm. i suppose i get stressed out. or something. like i might be missing things and didn't i already look down this rack and ooh, what about that one over there.. i totally missed that one! and i actually need to tell myself that it's not that big of a deal at all and chill out. if i'm supposed to find something, i will. and i have really a lot of things already and don't even need anything anyway and it's just fun to browse.

but... tell me. does anybody else out there get what i'm saying? or am i probably just verging on crazy. i think i'm verging!

so i spent the hour in forever 21 and came out with a pair of earrings. well, three actually. they came in the little set and you buy the little set because you like one of the three pairs of earrings. three pairs for under $4. worth it.

i would also just like to say. malls can be scary places. this is part of the reason why:
-the music is too loud and made for dancing not shopping. i've recently discovered i lovelovelove dancing. (thank-you "just dance") well, maybe i've always known it, but it's fun-ness has been recently magnified. so this music in the store is booming and i just want to be in my friends living room rocking out. in that setting, i like it. here, in the mall... it's like... they're trying to say "hurry, buy things, be cool, hurry hurry" and i strongly dislike that.
-the smells can be strong. walking past ambercrombie and fitch will probably give you a headache.
-when prices aren't advertised so you can see them whilst walking past, they're too high. just don't even be lured in.
-the models in the ads. okay so. if they're not... mmm... scandalous, they're scary in other ways. like... very skinny... and mad at you. i'd be mad too i guess if i was that skinny. i get grumpy enough if i don't eat every few hours.

but today, there were also lots of people who were kinder than their job required them to be. that was nice. so lesson. malls can be scary. but take heart. there are good people and cute earrings to be found.

another lesson from today. having the privilege to bake by the pool like a mud pie in august is an exceptionally wonderful gift.

a grand day.

this was a BIG part of my day.....

some people believe this piece of art has developed over the past... oh i don't know... billion years or so. cute. but utterly ridiculous. i hope they grow out of that.

while we were on the shuttle bus, a couple deer waltzed across the road. they must have felt like royalty. everyone (except me and my very Albertan family) was letting out little gasps of exclamation and excitement. and a half a dozen "awww"s. i was glad for them that they could be so awed by a couple deer. i actually love deer.... i think they're so graceful and elegant. but... after seeing.... like one million... well, the gasps of excitement are reserved for other things these days.

the grand canyon is entirely grand. "grand" hardly seems adequate. it should be called "the exquisite canyon". maybe. or the "God-clearly-designed-this canyon". my mom accurately pointed out that this was the rocky mountains.... inverted.

simply stunning.

you try to take pictures that would do it justice. and fail miserably. if this ever happens to you... please just know you're not failing due to a lack of talent... no, it's due to the vast.... vastness... and grandness... and... and... general big-impressive-stunningness. all that refuses to be captured inside your lens.

today i heard the sound of the winds charging and parading and rushing and hurrah-ing through the grand canyon. i peered over the edge and felt the gusts woosh around me, press against me. suggest pushing me over that  edge.

and i felt so small.

i think it's healthy for us to remember we are small.
we are oh-so-small. and we cannot survive in this big world with it's bigger issues and storms and even biggest delights. it's all too much. and we are so small. we need Someone who is BIG. more, way more than big enough. so big, He chiseled the vast... grandeur.. of the grand canyon. He chose the shades that would delight the eye. He designed plants and wildlife that could thrive there. He is.... quite impressive. to say the most very least. so He's BIG... and we're small. but... in His eyes... we are significant. He wants to cradle us during the storms. we.... we are the apple of His eye. His best work of art. His most precious treasure. how marvelous?!

go to the canyon of grandeur. take your camera if you like. and remember again how small you are. it's wonderful.