feelings towards autumn.

I've been sorting through my feelings in regards to autumn. it's a little bit the same every year. I love summer.... if you know me at all, you know I love summer. I love it through and through. even when it lets me down, I go right on loving it. I tend to find it a bit too short. it can be hard to love it as much as you know you need to in such a short amount of time. and well.... let's face it. winter is... tremendously long. impressively long. carelessly long. it's stunning in both it's beauty and it's determined length. and well... I.... it gets kind of.... it could stand to be shorter. to be brutally honest, I find that it kills my souls a little... every February and March. June and July tend to fix the damages.... only to withstand until the next February I'm afraid. and so as the summer dwindles, I find a dread begins to form. tiny at first... small enough I can brush it into the dusty corner of my mind and forget about it. but with the first morning I wake up to find bite in the air, it grows. and pokes it's tired eyes out from the pile of dust. I try to mostly keep the eyes at my back though. I soak up the sunshine on my face a little more appreciatively perhaps, but the eyes of dread don't change much beyond that. but then the first leaf drops on my windshield and it all feels much to quick and my heart sinks and the dread laughs a little. the brave branches on the trees are always the first to be bitten and gradually the rest of the tree relents. the colors around here are mostly shades of yellow. green-yellow is not to be confused with yellow-green. a touch of orange here and there. the rare, but rich red. and with the colors I remember. I remember how much I love autumn. I love it nearly as much as summer. every year I seem to forget. if you asked me as a child I would have said that autumn was my favorite season. every time. now, it's a painful reminder that summer is on it's way out and winter is coming up the steps. there have been times with autumn comes and goes within the span of a week. the winds come and strip the trees of all their boastful colors before they even have a chance to grow haughty. wicked wind. (fall winds always seem more wicked than spring winds, don't you think?) so every year, I cringe when I realize autumn is here. and, every year, I rejoice when I realize that autumn. is. here. I would argue that it is the prettiest season. I would also argue that it's even more too-short than summer. so dread.... go to bed... at least until winter is too long again.... maybe March?

puzzle piece.

step outside. breathe deep the fragrant air. walk through the frost that's rising from it's frozen depths.
hear the lonely bird celebrate. and feel and know, straight to the marrow of your bones, that spring will indeed come again. it's on nights like these, with the magnified quiet and the only sounds coming from the bird and those bold drops of liquid snow... on nights like these ones life feels like a puzzle piece that fits just right.

found one.

i found something to say!

you may not care. well then... you stop reading. you stop it right now. and go home. or go write a blog about blonde girls who writes about dumb things.

blogger has changed a lot since i last used it. after my last post, i was clicking around... checking things out. trying to keep up with technology. you can see how many times your page has been viewed. and what country it was viewed from. and let me tell you. interesting.... v-e-r-y interesting.

it shows me that in the last week, there were six page views from Canada. three page views from the United States. okay... sounds about right. i'm almost surprised it's so many.

but i have a question. why have there been twenty-two page views from Russia.
in.
the.
last.
week.
twenty-two. look how many letters it takes to write out that big of a number. twenty-two. Russia.

something to think about as i go to sleep i guess. don't worry. i have a glock under my pillow.

help!

i need help! i'm having writer's block.... in my entire life! i haven't written in my journal in forever (but that's a bit of a different situation anyway) and i haven't blogged either. obviously. i haven't taken my camera for a walk. i haven't drawn, or painted... or knit or baked! what's happening to me? will it always be like this!? my creativity is evaporating. i'm actually not that concerned.... i feel like it's mostly just a matter of re-arranging life and making savoring life and creating more of a priority. also i think i've been savoring different areas of life. different doesn't have to be bad. so you needn't worry too much. but maybe a little much.

but let's just focus on the blogging thing here. i. feel. like. i. have. nothing. to. say. well, nothing anyone really cares to hear about anyway.... (myself included) i mean, sure, i could ramble about something... i'm sure of it. but. there is already so much noise. so many people sharing their knowledge and opinions and creativity. so many people sharing their complaints and joys. it's all been said. or in this case, written. typed. you don't care to know what i ate for breakfast. (well, maybe you do... and that's real sweet of you) you've seen the funny youtube video. you've heard more opinions than care to... on guns.. and the hobbit... and photo radar... and colored jeans. you've tried that nice tea. you've heard 1,000,000 new years resolutions and you don't agree with them anyway. you don't want to know what books i'm reading. you don't need any more new music and if you did we might have very different taste. you saw a pretty sunset too. you smelled coffee and were transported to another world for the briefest of moments.

also, i don't really think anyone reads this... well, probably my mom. but it's easy to not write when it feels like you have nothing to say and no one to say it to. i suppose the point of blogging for myself was really just that... for myself. but obviously i'm putting it out there for people to read. i guess it can be a way of keeping in touch with the loved ones who are far off. but.. i mean, really. how deep will i get in a blog post. at this point, not very. although, who knows. the words may flow and flow and suddenly... we're in. real deep.

but the words aren't flowing. i probably just need to begin. but that's always the hardest part.

inspire me.... ?

new ringtone.

i made a new ringtone for my phone tonight! you may not consider this to be a very big accomplishment. but.... i'm not the techie in the family... my brother is. i'm quite capable (usually) but just not as "into" it as some other people i know... and i usually just let the "into" it people be... you know... "into" it... and i can stay out of it. and it still gets done. it's handy. but tonight i made a ringtone. all by myself. well.... i suppose i had a little youtube help. anyway... it's quite simple. here's the video i used. and i chose to use the first 28 seconds of "talk of the town" by jack johnson. i'm sure there's a way to link those 28 seconds here, but i don't want to overkill my tech-learning abilities. so if you care to hear it, you can call me when you're with me, or do your own researching.

also... i'm thinking about printing instagram photos... and doing something with them... i kind of like some of them... you know? any ideas? also.... and has anyone compared instagram and hipstagram? i'm thinking about giving histagram a whirl... but i love instagram. danny_elle .... feel free to browse.

( i don't think i have enough readers to shout out random questions.... sooo .... cheryl.. :) what do YOU think..?)

and last also... well, maybe the last one... mmm.. maybe not..? maybe-last-also: television. i'm not a big fan. actually... not really a fan at all. we don't have cable and i don't miss it at all. i'm not even kidding. i have never wished... not even once... that we had cable. i have been cable free for about two and a half years. it's just the best. working at the library helps... i can grab a dvd series if i want of what i want. and watch it when i want. it still doesn't happen that often, what with life being busy, and i usually have other things i enjoy doing (like reading) or should be doing (like cleaning). but.... BUT.... if you want to watch a wonderful series.... then you should watch this one. it's called "pushing daisies".  it's only two seasons long (which is good i think.. it could have gotten dull if it was any longer). and it's so unique. there's a narrator with an accent and the main characters wear swell outfits. it's sort of about death, but so lighthearted. so.... a happy morbid... ? i'm not into gore at all. blehhh. so believe me when i say it's oddly lighthearted. i just... really enjoyed it. and i want you to enjoy it too. it's so different from other tv. which is a plus in my eyes.

and finally. (honest) yesterday, we went to the phoenix public library. wow. just.... wow. wow. wow. we originally went there because my mom saw on some website out there in webland that they have some special sort of l.e.d. lights in the bathroom. we only had about 20 minutes to explore and it just so happened that the lights were broken. we managed to find a couple that were working in the last 2 minutes, but honestly, they were... nothing to blog home about. but the rest of that library was..... utterly fan.tas.tic. i ran up to the fifth floor... the top floor. i was like a kid in a candy store... a librarian in a library. so... let me list a few of the ways they are amazing.
-the have these like.... parking shelter things here. i guess it gets so hot that a lot of the shopping centers that don't have park-aides have a sort of car port roof over the whole row of parked cars. but. the library goes beyond that. they have solar panels on all of them. and why wouldn't they?! brilliant.
-two of the four sides of the five story building are windows walls. not walls with windows. windows are the walls. so you have this amazing view of the city AND heaps of natural light. brilliant.
-they have these little glass "study rooms" so you can have a quiet place to study. because, contrary to popular belief, the library is not a quiet place so much these days.
-they have inspirational quotes painted on the hall when you walk in. you know... about reading and important things like that.
-they have put big numbers on the sides of the shelving units (in addition to the dewy-decimal numbers). so instead of trying to explain the dewy-decimal system, they can simply say, "isle 32". easy.
-oh! oh! oh! when summer solstice happens the light comes in these skylights at just the right angle to hit these cement pillars and they look like GIGANTIC candles with a little flame lit on the top. and they only use minimal lighting... above all the super-tidy-and-not-overly-crowded-shelves. and over desks. and by nifty couches.
-they've figured out how to make self-check-outs seamless. this is a big deal.

and i could probably go on and on. more than i already have. but i only had twenty minutes to be amazed. here's a couple photos for you. the little person is my mom.

mall.

i'm not usually that much of a mall person. i can go months without visiting the mall in my hometown. i lovelovelove to not spend heaps of money on clothes. yep, this girl, right here, loves ross and value village and such. love the deals, love the uniqueness. so overall, not too much of a mall person. BUT when i'm on holidays, we usually hit up a mall or two. today we went to a very... "posh" mall. when there are fresh flowers on the tables in the food court... well, you know you should have brushed your hair. maybe brought out the fake diamonds. we all decided to meet back at the "food court" in an hour. i went off and found the most affordable shop.... forever 21. and was totally overwhelmed.

lately i've been discovering this.... problem i have. i've been discovering that i have... oh i don't know.... ocd tendencies....? or we could just say i have a touch of quirkiness..? i've been noticing it in lots of areas... varying degrees. and mostly, i can shrug off or ignore the little thoughts pulling on my arm and demanding my attention. maybe i can expand on some of the other "quirks" another time. maybe it will get it out of my system to logically type it out and see how silly it all is. maybe? anyway.

i seem to need to "attack" a store... peruse..... browse... whatever.... in a ... thorough sort of way. go up and down the isles... front to back... left to right. and when i'm not able to use this system or it's really hard to implement.... i get... hm. i suppose i get stressed out. or something. like i might be missing things and didn't i already look down this rack and ooh, what about that one over there.. i totally missed that one! and i actually need to tell myself that it's not that big of a deal at all and chill out. if i'm supposed to find something, i will. and i have really a lot of things already and don't even need anything anyway and it's just fun to browse.

but... tell me. does anybody else out there get what i'm saying? or am i probably just verging on crazy. i think i'm verging!

so i spent the hour in forever 21 and came out with a pair of earrings. well, three actually. they came in the little set and you buy the little set because you like one of the three pairs of earrings. three pairs for under $4. worth it.

i would also just like to say. malls can be scary places. this is part of the reason why:
-the music is too loud and made for dancing not shopping. i've recently discovered i lovelovelove dancing. (thank-you "just dance") well, maybe i've always known it, but it's fun-ness has been recently magnified. so this music in the store is booming and i just want to be in my friends living room rocking out. in that setting, i like it. here, in the mall... it's like... they're trying to say "hurry, buy things, be cool, hurry hurry" and i strongly dislike that.
-the smells can be strong. walking past ambercrombie and fitch will probably give you a headache.
-when prices aren't advertised so you can see them whilst walking past, they're too high. just don't even be lured in.
-the models in the ads. okay so. if they're not... mmm... scandalous, they're scary in other ways. like... very skinny... and mad at you. i'd be mad too i guess if i was that skinny. i get grumpy enough if i don't eat every few hours.

but today, there were also lots of people who were kinder than their job required them to be. that was nice. so lesson. malls can be scary. but take heart. there are good people and cute earrings to be found.

another lesson from today. having the privilege to bake by the pool like a mud pie in august is an exceptionally wonderful gift.

a grand day.

this was a BIG part of my day.....

some people believe this piece of art has developed over the past... oh i don't know... billion years or so. cute. but utterly ridiculous. i hope they grow out of that.

while we were on the shuttle bus, a couple deer waltzed across the road. they must have felt like royalty. everyone (except me and my very Albertan family) was letting out little gasps of exclamation and excitement. and a half a dozen "awww"s. i was glad for them that they could be so awed by a couple deer. i actually love deer.... i think they're so graceful and elegant. but... after seeing.... like one million... well, the gasps of excitement are reserved for other things these days.

the grand canyon is entirely grand. "grand" hardly seems adequate. it should be called "the exquisite canyon". maybe. or the "God-clearly-designed-this canyon". my mom accurately pointed out that this was the rocky mountains.... inverted.

simply stunning.

you try to take pictures that would do it justice. and fail miserably. if this ever happens to you... please just know you're not failing due to a lack of talent... no, it's due to the vast.... vastness... and grandness... and... and... general big-impressive-stunningness. all that refuses to be captured inside your lens.

today i heard the sound of the winds charging and parading and rushing and hurrah-ing through the grand canyon. i peered over the edge and felt the gusts woosh around me, press against me. suggest pushing me over that  edge.

and i felt so small.

i think it's healthy for us to remember we are small.
we are oh-so-small. and we cannot survive in this big world with it's bigger issues and storms and even biggest delights. it's all too much. and we are so small. we need Someone who is BIG. more, way more than big enough. so big, He chiseled the vast... grandeur.. of the grand canyon. He chose the shades that would delight the eye. He designed plants and wildlife that could thrive there. He is.... quite impressive. to say the most very least. so He's BIG... and we're small. but... in His eyes... we are significant. He wants to cradle us during the storms. we.... we are the apple of His eye. His best work of art. His most precious treasure. how marvelous?!

go to the canyon of grandeur. take your camera if you like. and remember again how small you are. it's wonderful.

lately i've been ruthless.

so lately i've sort of been..... ruthless. i don't mean to say what's already been said what seems like a million times before... so we'll just not linger on this part. i'm too busy. lately, it's not always... i think i'm getting better... but often, i'm still to busy. and so.... on to the part we can linger about.... i've been ruthless. you see, my room. well.... it's.... hm.... totally stressing me out. there's really no other way to go about saying it. it is a total disaster. and it's my room! that place where I'm supposed to be abel to go and unwind. relax. crack open a good book. maybe lounge around and sip some licorice spice tea (which is the best tea ever and if you don't agree... well then you're just wrong about that and i suppose that's alright). and instead, i walk into my room. look all around it. and want to cry. i have, in the past, blamed the size of my room for the mess that grows within it. you see, i live in a two bedroom apartment. with a roommate. not even the same roommate i moved in with in the first place... (the first one got married and moved away.... i'm not a roommate killer... honest!) so there're two bedrooms. they don't make any sense at all. one of them is huge. and like.... i really do mean huge. it's.... huge. and the other one.... well... isn't. huge that is. so guess which one i got. mhmmm. so i guess it's all my fault really. when my first roommate and i found this place, i said it didn't matter which room i had.... only a fool would do something like that. my first roommate is not a fool. she is wise and kind even. she took the big room... but offered to maybe switch with me after six months. ha. we both had good intentions, but by the time the months had flown by, it just seemed so silly to go to all the hassle of switching around all the furniture. also... she had much larger furniture than i and there is no way in the world it would have all fit in my bitty room. okay. it's fine. really. then... i get a new roommate. my good friend, tiana. she wouldn't mind me talking about this 'cause i razz her about it in real life too. she just says she'll move out (with a smile on her face) or really any other excuse that she can think up. so we joke and it's all fun and good laughs and she knows that in all seriousness.... i would kill to have that room. okay... not kill.... but ... maybe drug and lock in a closet. yeah, i guess i didn't mention. she got the big room. i don't know why i let it happen. it just did i guess. it was the empty room, you know? terrible. also... she has a big bed. i need to buy myself a big bed. the biggest bed. i could go on and on and on.... about how the sun floods the whole room all afternoon. and how ... well, actually that's it. size and sun. but i won't.... i won't go on about it.

because that's not really the point. the point is that my little room is such a mess and i'm trying to fix it. did you know that often... when you fix something.... it gets worse before it gets better...? oh. well.... in case you didn't know that.... it does. so here we are... i'm all... "woo.. i have a couple hours of spare time.... lets clean this thing!" and i really did mean clean. so i stripped the sheets off to wash them... then i thought.. it's spring. i'm going to spring clean. so i continued. boom. mattress cover. off. bed skirt... off. winter blanket.. off. and boom. into the laundry. the whole lot of it. and boom... vacuuming under the bed. boom... go through bags of old dress up clothes that i've had to accept responsibility for since my parents are renovating their basement and since i don't live there anymore and now for some reason they don't want a "dress-up closet" anymore. psh. what's that about? anyway. suddenly... i'm out of time, and the disaster that is called my room has only grown. like a nasty fungus on some vegetable you forgot about in the "crisper" drawer. and now you don't even recognize it. the vegetable, nor my room. so it's stressy, but i did for sure make some progress. like, i threw out an entire garbage bag (like the big black ones) of "memories". i told you.... ruthless. but i read in this book a few months ago that when people are weeding through stuff they should only keep: things that add beauty, things that are useful, and things that have a special meaning to you now. that now part was a big part of the garbage bag filling. i have all these shoe boxes that i have called since i started (so since i was like five) my "specials box". but seriously.... the things that were in them. let's just say that i started with six boxes and got down to probably less than one. i have no reason to keep every birthday card, and thank-you note i've ever received. i mean, i DID keep the extra, extra special ones. but i also did throw away probably a ka-ba-jillion. and i went through everything before throwing it out, and it was fun to see some of that old stuff. but also.... freeing to throw it out. it's like i got to remember some of those things for the first time in... years and it was nice but now i'm throwing them out and have no obligation to try to remember and cherish these six boxes of sort of special things. i don't have to keep all those yc books. surprise. i don't have to keep my camp counselor guidebook. all like... five of them. my room is on it's way, even though it doesn't feel that way. it's on it's way because i'm ruthless. it's wonderful.

this ruthlessness is carrying on into other areas too. so... i knew facebook would eventually force me to switch to timeline. i just KNEW it. and i thought i should do it while it's my choice so i like it more. yeah, a mental trick on my own mind. but i didn't. too resistant to change i guess. i didn't really care to give the time to re-learn facebook. anyway. it's happening now. my facebook profile shows up in timeline mode to me and i have the option to switch now or wait until it happens on april 13th or something. i just knew it. so, i now have the urge to tidy up my facebook. some of those pictures out there, i just don't need to be tagged it, you know. i removed myself from two hundred photos the other night. and i know there's still way too many. like multiples and such. it's a good feeling to see that number go down. it just gets out of date and i need to make room for more current photos.

anyway. i'm totally rambling. but it's allowed... i'm on vacation. you can expect more posts thanks to that delightful fact. good morning and have an extraordinary day.

he's still kickin'....

well.. it seems that old man winter finally woke up. i don't mean finally like i was really waiting and starting to feel sad that he hadn't come..... no... i mean finally.... as in i was nearly starting to hope he'd sleep on through these months altogether. we had some nice snow. and a couple sort of cold... er... type days. and it was nice. this. this is the winter i am all too familiar with. the canadian winter that comes ever so rudely and causes me to wonder.... why, oh why are people residing here... in this country.... when the air hurts to inhale because it freezes your lungs a little bit? and why, oh why do i hear canadian geese as i'm typing? tell me if you know.

but. did you know this: the snow starts to make a sound when it gets this cold. when you walk on it... or even drive on it... you can hear the crunch.... moan... crunch crunch. and maybe this makes me a nerd or a hypocrite (what with me hating the bitter cold) but i love that sound. also... sometimes when it's this cold.... there's a ring around the moon that is ever so enchanting. i also love looking over the city when it's this cold.... you can see all the little columns of ... of... smoke... ? gases...? whatever the columns are comprised of.... you can see them all drifting in perfect unison. whichever way the wind may bend them. and i know it probably represents a serious lack of "green-thinking" which i am normally all for.... but it just looks so very cozy. and... safe or something.

i think those are really the only nice things i have to say about the bitter cold. you see, i love winter (for a time not as long as it usually is) but i despise the bitter cold. (except for the things mentioned above.) and i love-love summer. so...

but winter is (without the bitter cold) so romantic. let's be honest here. it brings a completely transforming beauty to the familiar. the delicate frost that clings even to the abandoned cobwebs. the diamond dust snow that swirls in a dance orchestrated  by unseen hands. the naked trees cloak themselves in white. the ice sculpts itself into works of art along the river banks.

and so on.

back.

and so. it's been far too long and i've been missing this without even realizing it i suppose. i left on a rather dreary note, or so it sounds (it wasn't meant to sound quite as murky as it probably did) ..... but.. c'est la vie. you don't appreciate the sunshine quite as fully without the days of rain. i think we all need days of rain. they deepen the soul and show us our desperate need for a rock. my Rock has been unfailingly sturdy. its funny how you can know that your whole life maybe. and its just as true ten years ago as it is now. but the way you know it can change. and maybe sometimes you need to re-learn that truth again. and again..... and even again it seems. so the rain waters us. refreshes us. and we need it even. and i can even appreciate them. but sometimes, i still get tired of the rainy days. call me shallow if you will, but i prefer the sunshine days in my life. the sunshine feeds me and seems to warm my very heart. but now i can strive to take each sunny day as a gift and savor it.

well now. enough of that. on to more pressing matters...

i like vegetables. and i like vegetables so much more with ranch. i don't like that i like vegetables so much more with ranch. it seems..... superficial. or something. but, every time you put a veggie platter in front of me with dip... i'm going to dip. guaranteed. and i'll probably even watch you to see if you think double-dipping is socially acceptable. even if i know its probably not.

at this moment, i'm sitting in the lodge. being that person who's hanging out and loving the noisy quiet and nerding out by reading and writing and thinking lots and looking at the beautiful winter colors and studying the design of the fog dancing across the treetops. i'm here with the school so in my defense it's a different sort of ski day than i'd normally do. and when i say normally i mean once this winter and then about four years ago since the second last time. i enjoy "hitting the slops" (notice my cool snowboarder lingo) a couple times a season and then i'm good. my ski hill tank is full. i like being outside.... so long as it's not freezing. i like going fast.... as long as i don't feel out of control. but probably my favorite thing is going with friends. i can't really see myself ever just going by myself to "be one with the hill".... yeah... no. not me. anyway. i'm glad to be here today. it was so gross outside when we got here, but now the blue sky is showing it's lovely smiling face. we've been so spoiled this winter.

i think i need to learn how to make my writing flow better. it's always so choppy and sporadic. or i could embrace it. call it my "style".... also.... i need to learn how to write interesting things. or write about boring things interestingly. i like doing that. but sometimes i don't like that i'm not always good at it.

my roommate and i have been housesitting AND babysitting three lovely children since a week ago this past wednesday. pretty much playing established parents. taking the kids to soccer.... making supper... doing laundry.... giving baths.... breaking up fights.... it's been fun. that sounds sarcastic but i'm being entirely sincere. don't get me wrong.... i'm excited to be going back to my home tonight.... but this has been pretty great. i've been thinking a lot about how parenting is designed to work. it's ideally designed that you are with someone who is committed to you and you to them. you have a history together and a mutual respect. you can be a team. then, when you find out that you're going to be parents you'll have at least nine months to try to wrap your head around that reality... (more if you've been planning for this) and then. when you first have to be a parent... for reals... the baby can only eat, poop, cry, sleep. and repeat. and as they grow, you can too. you can grow into the parenting role that is required of you. how lovely. it's just so wonderfully thought out and orchestrated. and even though i love these kids, i'm glad i can give them back.

thats all the pressing news that i'm willing to share with you today. i hope you wear a smile today. the kind you see in dental advertisements.

do you ever...

do you ever feel so full of thoughts that go so deep you're almost afraid to let them have any space, because once you start peering into them and sifting through them you'll suddenly find that there is no bottom to this pool. so you maybe avoid them... or squelch them... and it works sometimes, and the bustle of life helps it work.

but then it gets real quiet. like... on a saturday that started out with blue skies that changed into churning black clouds with hail and lightning and thunder. and it's a beautiful sort of noisy outside... but inside... inside of you.... it's quiet. and the pool is there... and all those thoughts start rising... and suddenly it's hard to find higher ground to stand on.. where you can keep entirely dry of the full, deep thoughts.

and then you consider just dipping your toe into the thought pool. or maybe even diving right in. it's not so much fun to run away from thinking... cause full, deep thinking sometimes has much to do with full, deep feeling.

sometimes... in stringing words together, I can find a certain... rhythm to the chaos called my mind. I journal a lot. and even more so during those times when I'm swimming in the pool of thoughts. I find that it often helps put things in perspective... or bring a semblance of order. or help me come to terms with a total lack of order. sometimes I write in circles. but it's okay I think. anyway... I think I've been quiet in this, the blog world, because I've been so full of thoughts. and they're much too scattered for even me to sort into a coherent word-flow. and maybe too deep.

but. I need to remember that deep is not always a bad thing.

ladybug.... s.

it's spring here in my lovely city. the signs are everywhere. *I'm choosing to completely ignore the snowfall that lasted the entire day yesterday. it was probably just a foggy winter memory.... I was probably subconsciously missing winter.... and imagined the whole thing. in fact, I'm quite sure that's what happened.* anyway.... today, at work, I was on "supervision" for recess.... twice. fridays are the only day I'm on in both the morning and the afternoon, and when it was bitterly cold, I dreaded that duty. but, as I said, spring is taking the city by storm. and today, the ladybugs showed me that. and when I say ladybugs I mean ladybugs with a capitol S. I have never seen so many! it's exciting. and the kids.... well, you would have thought that they were finding diamonds in the leaves.... and they treasured them (in their own smothering sort of way) as those each ladybug had a little heart inside that was filled with feelings... this morning, one little boy had his hands cupped, with a little ladybug crawling around inside.... I asked if it had a name... and he said, "yeah, I named him Rosie." while all the other kids were collecting as many as they could and continually searching for more, he was content to love this one. he spent the whole time walking around with it, petting it like it was a kitten. talking in the little i-love-you sort of voice. you know the kind I mean. we set them free (even if they were mildly scarred) when we went inside and I told the kids we could find them again during the next recess. so, later, when we went back out, this same boy asked me, "Mrs. Cochrane..... can you help my find the baby ladybug...?" I said, "oh, the one you had this morning... Rosie?" "yea.." he said. I said I would.... so we begin rummaging through the leaves left from last fall, along with all the other children. I found my very first ladybug this spring.... (and it didn't take long) and asked him if this was "the one". he said, "oh! yeah!" and I give it to him, and he says, "hello Rosie! I missed you!" and presumed his playground stroll with his dear pet Rosie.... the man ladybug.

lack of google.

it used to go like this. a question or a thought would sprout in my mind....  and I would wonder about it. with that wondering in hand, I would walk to my computer and type a few key words into la google search engine and discover a whole plethora of information which would either answer my question or expand my vast knowledge into even vaster-ness. now... well, things have changed. I no longer have free internet that I can borrow from a neighbor. (they must have added a password. I'm glad for them... really. it's so much smarter to have a password these days. I'm not sure why... I just imagine that it is. smarter that is.) so now, things are different. I check the weather by opening my window. I have a thought or a question.... and it sits there. and I mull it over... and let the thoughts wander and grow and become creative. and I wonder. and then I wonder some more. and then I forget. which is sort of like an endless wondering... because, you see.... when the computer is in front of me and the internet is available, I'll have forgotten my urgent question. and all the wondering that I did, is all I did. for that moment. then the thought will come back, hopefully at another inopportune time, and I will allow it to grow more....  and more and more and more... because, one day.... it'll grow so big, it can't help but bloom into something beautiful..

*serious side note*- and not really serious.... but seriously to the side:

woah. I just discovered that the blinky typing stick..... you know... the one that follows the last letter you wrote.... blinks in time to my ticking alarm clock. each second. 

also, the internet really is a wonderful place. even a wonder-ful place. full of knowledge. and wonder. but I just think it's sometimes nice to not have an instant answer for the question that has barely been born. sometimes it's nice to have to wonder.

Miss... not Mrs.

so I have a few things that have happened in my life since we last spoke. important things, such as flying back to winter, and getting very ill, and getting a job. this post is mostly going to be about the very last thing. and maybe a little about the first. and preferably not at all about the one in the middle. cause that one is over. and I'm trying to keep the memory out of my consciousness.

I have a new job. it's quite different from the jobs I've done before. most of the people I'm dealing with through the course of the day are under three and a half feet. I'm an "educational assistant" in a kindergarten classroom. and there are fourteen children. fourteen. fourteen. it's.... an adventure. it really is. and they really say the funniest things. such as.....

-"Miss Chochrane, Miss Cochrane.... she said "duh" and duh is a swear word!"
-"(name inserted here) just said the O word! they said, "oh my gosh!""
-"are you a mom?" "no" "then what are you?"
-(taking off her glasses) "this is how I looked when I was young"
-"I'm in love with Justin Beaver"
-"I was here a looonnnnggg time ago. like when I was four!"

and a plethora of others. I'm sure you'll be hearing more and more about them. they have astounding personalities. but they haven't all caught that I'm a Miss.... not a Mrs. but I've begun to correct them in earnest as of today.

also, it's winter. and I'm ready.... no, I am SO ready for it not to be. but. things are looking promising. spring MUST be just around the corner. and I can't really go traipsing off to a hot place every time I get tired of the cold, now can I? ... can I? hm.
... well, I don't really want to leave, anyway.

so I suppose I'll just have to wait for the diamond dust to melt and convince the spring grass to grow the brightest green it's ever thought of growing.....

I hate mini eggs. and that hate grows with each egg that goes into my mouth.

also, I tried making falafels last night for a potluck I had with friends. they were nicknamed "awful falafels". you can tell the depth of their success by that nickname.

I'ma gunna go craft now. or something along those lines....

someday I'll share another photo with you. honest.

did you know?

spiders can grow to be quite large? they can. and they can jump on your back, and begin building a web... but you won't even notice until you look in the mirror. and see something on your back. oh... weird... is that your hair? and just while you're wondering at what that is, it'll fly through the air, like Peter Pan. and land with a thud on the counter top in the bathroom. and before your mind has fully realized what that is or even made the connection that it was on you, your mouth has opened and sound flies out. a sound that is something akin to a scream. but not a scream. your brain catches up. and you clutch your heart so it doesn't race right out of your chest. you step back... slowly.... and go find some boy to handle this situation. and you feel like less of a silly girl when you realize that they don't really like big spiders either. but they help you anyway. and the spider goes for a swim down the toilet. and now, you can shower in peace.

also... did you know?

you can ruin your iPod by having your water bottle barely open in your bag. and it can hold incredible amounts of water. and then, those same boys will help you be knowledgeable enough to totally take apart your iPod. and put it in a container of rice. and then you can hope that you'll be able to get all the rice out... and hope that you'll be able to put it back together. and then you can hope that it will work for you again.

and HERE is a little break for you... from all that learning.

I'm from Canada. I'm not a nurse.

I have an interesting thing that happened to me last week. so interesting even.

it was a Monday. a fairly normal sort of Monday. and I was sitting... quite normally... at the bus stop. waiting for... you guessed it... a bus! I happened to be in the midst of writing a letter to a friend of mine, and minding my own business. suddenly, I hear a man saying, "hello, ma'am...  I need you to help me! can you help me?" or something along those lines. it almost felt like I was in slow motion... I'm sure it's because  I'd been so deeply engrossed in the letter writing. I looked up.. first to his face... and then down, down.. down.... (all in slow motion) to the bloody hand he was cradling in front of him. there was a lot of blood. and it was dripping. dripping down, down... down (all in slow motion) to land *splat* on the cement. but it didn't stop there. oh no. from the *splat*, it continued to a splatter. a splatter the decorated itself on my toes... and feet.... and ankles. as all these slow motion things were happening in my world, his seemed to continue on at a normal speed... and when our speeds matched up again, I found that he'd never really stopped taking about what was happening and telling me that I had to do something. I finally opened my mouth and asked him what had happened. he explained how he'd taken the bandage off and then blood started squirting everywhere. yes, he used the word squirting. I looked at him, then back to his hand... then back to his.... and out came the words...... "well what do you want me to do?". (helpful and productive, I know.) he told me that I just had to help him (he even threw in a foul word... for dramatic effect I suppose) and that I had to do something.... go to my parents and get bandages or stitch it up or do something! I explained in a mildly exasperated tone that I was not from around there... I am Canadian. and I most definitely am not a nurse. I told him that there was a hospital nearby. that was not good enough I suppose.... he continued his dramatic, flustered begging and continued dripping blood that had to first *splat*, then splatter. onto my feet. I was becoming a little annoyed with his lack of listening or understanding. and by his insistence that I must DO something! finally, I could take it no longer. nor could I refuse him. the story of the good samaritan keep nagging in the back of my brains. sigh. so I jumped up and said, "okay! come-on!" we walked about 30 feet down the sidewalk to a restaurant... him still going on about it all. I tapped him on his arm and said, "wait here." and I waltzed into that restaurant, and right up to the bar, and asked for some napkins. one man ignored me as he thought I was just a person interrupting the flow of his day. (actually, I don't know what he thought. he may not have thought that at all) so I was a bit more demanding with the next man. I asked for some napkins and he said, "just a moment please." and I said, "there is a man bleeding outside. may I have some napkins?" that caught his attention, and he gave me a pile of them. then he picked up his plates of food and followed me out. his manager didn't much care to have the employee standing with the customers food and watching the excitement rather than doing his job. so now, I have the manager handy. I plopped the napkins on desperate-bleeding-man's hand and he tells me that he thinks the bleeding has stopped. I looked at this tiny little pinprick on the back of his hand (it must have gone to the vein to create that much blood... maybe an I.V....? I really have no idea..) and agreed. the manager told him how to get to the hospital and DBM (desperate-bleeding-man) says he's not going back to that hospital. ohh-kayyy then. I see how it is. the manager felt that he had done his duty, and waltzed off back to his job. and these ladies told me about a medical center down the street. I told the man how to get there, and told him that he really just needed to clean all that blood up, and maybe run it under cold water a bit and keep some pressure on it and he would be fine. he seemed grateful. and then, he went his way. and I went mine. back to my letter writing at my bus stop. the only change being the puddle of blood in front of me.
and, of course, the splatters.

who could forget the splatters.

a change in plans.

warning: this is ferociously long. I give you permission to skim.

there has been a slight change in plans. and when I say slight, I mean slightly drastic. I feel as though you may be disappointed in me, and then I feel as though I care maybe too much what others think of me. so let me expand, and maybe even give you my perspective, and if you don't understand, or you are still disappointed, I'm sorry for that.

you see, once upon a time, I decided to go to Australia. people asked me why, and my common response was, "to work and hang out and explore".... but let us be honest here. that wasn't really all. I may not dive overly deep here, but I do want you to have a better picture of this all as a whole. when I decided to come to Australia, I needed to have some space. for a few different reasons. a couple of those reasons changed along the way, but some remained too. I wanted to take a break... a break from life as I knew it. I had/have a really wonderful life back home, don't get me wrong. but like many North Americans, I struggle with juggling those flaming torches called busy. I really enjoy being busy. I do. usually I love the things I'm busy with. but busy needs to be kept within reason. and I think it's so easy to lose a proper perspective on life and how it's meant to be lived when our life begins to speed by on fast forward. things become overwhelming and I become irritable and then I know things have gone wrong when you don't stop to smell the flowers.

I don't really know why I'm going on about this. when I planned on leaving, it had little to nothing to do with busyness. I wasn't out of control. but the quiet, and having this TIME, has been an added bonus. but that's somewhat besides the point at the moment. oh. I feel that this post may not have a very proper flow at all.

alright. I always thought it would be fun to go "live" somewhere else. somewhere that I'm not used to and where things are new and different. I looked at my life and realized that I was/am at an ideal place in my life to be able to do that. I don't have a mortgage to pay off, nor a family to care for. no school or career that I've committed to and no debt tying me down. what more perfect time would there be to do something like this? why not? so I dreamt and prayed and planned to go. as I planned, I began to think of all the purposes I had for this trip. and as I now look at my list (and even then) I see that these are things that can be done anywhere.. you don't have to go to the other side of the world to do them. although... if it's January, the other side of the world has summer, which is a big advantage. so... my plans and "purposes" looked something like this.... more than anything, I really wanted take some time getting to know my God in a deeper way. this is, I suppose, an area where the busyness of life wiggles in and messes with things. it seems that when I get busy, the first thing to go is my time with Christ. but for me to starve myself of the source of my life is a sort of slow suicide. and I dislike the sort of person I become when that happens. anyway. I tend to lean towards the artsy/thinky/explory side of things. so I also wanted to make time to take photos and journal and read those books I don't make time to read. I wanted to wander and see things I hadn't seen before. I wanted sit in cafes and ponder life and drink good coffee. I wanted to shop and skip out on winter and lay on a beach and swim in the ocean and wiggle my toes in the sand. I had planned to work in a cool cafe to support the cost of all these lovely little things. I had also planned to be here for four months.

but the moral of the story is this: plans sometimes change. and that is very alright.

the big news flash is that I'm coming home in a week and a half. so one month, instead of four.

I've decided to simply call it a holiday and recognize how swell it's been and come home and dig into life there. this trip has been everything I've expected and totally not what I'd expected... all at the same time. it's been.. like living a dream. that sounds sickeningly cliche (and I'm not even at the cliche part yet), but it is entirely true. every morning I have my quiet time on "my" veranda. I smell the summer air and hear the symphony of birds and insects celebrating that summer. I see the most beautiful fig tree I've ever seen in my life and a grand old church next door. sometimes the wind-chimes dance... along with the vine that's been creeping towrds me.... closer and closer, every day. I watch a tiny lizard scurry to find a warm brick to be still on, and I watch the clouds race across the hard blue sky. and as I sit, quiet and still, I am refreshed. and what I've just described to you is only the twenty minutes or so I spend on "my" veranda.... think of all the other moments in a day that I could go on about. it's been so, so, SO much of a gift to be able to be here.

but I'm ready. I'm ready to go home. I feel that this trip has turned out differently than I'd originally planned, but I don't mind that at all. it's been a much needed break from life and I feel refreshed and re-focused. (that makes it sound like I now have life figured out. if that's what you got, you got it wrong. fix it quick... to this: "Danielle still doesn't have life figured out, and she's okay with that.") the biggest intended purpose for this trip has been abundantly fulfilled.

and I've learned a few things along the way that I hadn't expected to. I will even make a list for you. because I'm one of "those" people. (now, please bear in mind that this next bit is going to be the cliche sounding bit and that I knew some of these things before, but they were re-instilled into my brain recently.) and actually... this isn't a list I'm making for you. that was a lie. sorry. it's actually a list I wrote in my journal. so a lot of it is simply the sort of thing I would like to look back and remind myself of....
-life is going to mostly be what you make of it. it doesn't have too much to do with location.
-the things you think are important sometimes aren't. and the things you've maybe not thought much of, are more important than you'd once realized.
-I can get freckles.
-life can be lovely and fulfilling anywhere, anytime.... if you're finding your purpose in Christ and clinging to Him. living and loving in Him.
-God doesn't always make things crystal clear.
-they know how to do coffee in Australia.
-there is beauty to be found everywhere... one only needs to look. and the opposite is also true.
-exploring and adventuring are beautiful gifts that we should be more intentional about.
-foreheads can swell if seriously sunburned.
-it's okay to make mistakes.... just make sure to make the most of them. and learn from them.
-don't be afraid to show kindness to a stranger.
-allow yourself to feel. deeply.
-bats in Australia are terrifying and incredible.
-never lose you're ability to wonder and marvel.
-always be willing to learn.
-money doesn't grow on trees. but I believe that God will always provide me with enough. you don't have to be rich to live a rich life.
-try new things.
-everyday. be still. and know that He is God.
-I must create.
-laugh too much and love too deeply. I think God delights in that.
-don't ever live in regret.
-be who He's made you to be.
-delight in His love.
-trust Him.
-never let worry eat away at your days, and eat up your life.
-relationships are important and worth the effort it may take to grow them.
-hold your dreams and plans with open hands.
-read the Bible. period.

whew.

I have a few interesting stories for you, but this post is already far, far, far too long and tends to get even longer when I use the word "far" three times instead of just one, and then continue on to talk about that.

so I'll just end it.... here.

boomboomboom.

I had to ask myself if I had it in me to make this post. my head has a rhythm that it insists upon pounding out. but... we'll just have to take it one small word at a time. it's been a nice couple of days. it is absolutely summer here, in case I ever had any doubts. complete with barbecues and ice cream. yesterday I did some laundry and then went to the beach for a short bit of time. it was very busy. then I got home just in time to go to a farewell barbecue. it was such good hang-out-in-the-park weather. later that night we got a movie and visited. it maybe doesn't sound thrilling to you.... perhaps I'm doing a poor job of describing it with this aching head. aching heads do indeed hamper ones creative genius. anyway. it was perfectly lovely. I'm afraid that's all for now. and not even a photo. I'm sorry. I guess there were a few last time... maybe that will make up for it...

my today.

today I went for coffee, and wrote a long letter as I sipped on that coffee. then I went walking. and took a couple photos. along the way I managed to buy a red dress. it's so nice and summery. this whole not working thing could become expensive in two ways. not only and I not making money, but I'm also spending it... hey, I suppose it was only $20. (I'm just not sure how much the alterations I want will cost...)

and then I got lost. on purpose. you have to be sort of good at emptying your head on purpose to get lost if it's not something that comes naturally to you. getting lost, that it. along the way though, this man said "g'day!" to me. and it was natural and real to him. and I felt so... amazed. I actually didn't even reply because it all happened so quick! I did smile though... and that's kind of like a reply....

anyway. I got quite lost. (side note: is it wise to trust the directions of a woman who apparently doesn't speak English? ... and even more importantly... is it wise to trust yourself when you think you understand what she means? today I say to you, "no." the answer to both of those questions should always be no.) so. I got lost.... and then asked for directions (a couple times) back to where I wanted to be, and found the grocery store I wanted to find. there, I bought almonds and ice cream. the last two ingredients I needed in order to make my smoothie/shake.

lets talk about that for a moment, shall we? I had it on my second day here in a little cafe-like place. it was so super tasty and I thought I'd give it a whirl. Alanna said she tried making it and it worked out for her. so I figured it would work for me. and it did! well, once I got help with the stubborn blender. so let me tell you how you can make this super tasty smoothie/shake in your own home. I'll warn you though.. it's rather filling.

lets call it "super tasty banana smoothie shake"...

all you need is one banana, vanilla ice cream, milk, almonds, and a few ice cubes. oh! and honey! place the banana in the blender and maybe a half cup of milk, maybe a cup of ice cream, 4ish ice cubes... and I did 20 almonds... and about a Tbsp. of honey.... and then blend away! it made a couple servings. all of the measurements and amounts are just guesstimation. I'll probably modify it a bit next time around, and you can feel free to play with it too. the almonds would probably be better if they were sliced and slightly toasted.

these photos are from my day. the t.v. was in between a couple buildings. I've seen a few other of these these things around... it's just a cemented thing... like a t.v. or a gun or a cellphone by a street light. they're cemented to the ground. I'm not sure what the purpose is, but I kind of like it. it's so random, yet interesting. it's sort of like vandalism but it doesn't seem so bad. I hadn't noticed anything written on the other things. I'll have to look closer next time.

speaking of vandalism. I watched a group of boys leave a friend behind as he sprayed bright blue paint on a wall. and I didn't know what to do. I felt like I should do something... but .... what? I kind of shot a "you know better" look in their direction, but maybe they don't.

I love the stormy sea.

that was a bit of my day. how was yours?

slang?

so they supposedly speak English here in Australia. but it's not the same English that I'm familiar with. they have an accent, but that's not all. they have the most... interesting phrases. so often I have to ask for clarification, and all the other times I just feign understanding. it's been a... growing experience, to say the least. so, upon special request, here are a few uniquely un-Canadian ways of speaking....

-they "have a go" at something, or give it a go...

-they do indeed call prefect strangers "mate"...

-french fries are called chips and chips are called crisps.

-they use the word "bizarre" more often than I realized was possible.

-it's perfectly fine to ask where the toilet is in a shopping centre. I haven't yet been able to bring myself to do that. it seems too... abrupt.

-"fairdinkum".... I believe it's a term like, "I couldn't believe it!" or "seriously?" I don't think I'll be picking up on that one.

-they "suss" out things. I asked for clarification on this one as well... Alanna said it maybe comes from the word suspect. so... to suss out a job, is to search for one. or to to suess something out is to look into it. I think.

-"heaps and heaps". I've had heaps of coffee since coming here! it's just so tasty.

-"quick sticks" is something that your grandma would say to you to hurry you along..... (my mom always said "quick like a bunny"...)

-OH! this one confused me a few times and I'd just mumble through an answer. "how you going?" it's like... a combo of our "how are you doing?" and "how's it going?". fairly simple I guess. But I usually just reply... ".. good. how are you?" and it continually seems mildly awkward.

-they say "cheers" instead of thank-you and good-bye. it's nice but I'd feel like a pretender if I said that one.

-"ta": see "cheers"

-"whinging" is the equivalent of our "whining"

-"cozzies" are swimmers. I have no idea why.

-to "stuff up" something is to mess it all up.

-"sunnies" are sunglasses.... that seems like a fun one, wouldn't you say?

-and garbage is actually also referred to as "rubbish". actually. like, in all seriousness.

there's another phrase or two that isn't supposed to be bad sounding. but they are. and I'm not going to share them. you can thank me later.

it rained today. maybe now that the weathers gotten that out of it's system, I can walk to the store. I'm going to try out a new smoothie/shake recipe. if it works out, I'll be sure to share it with you.

ta!