Thursday, May 27, 2010


this past Sunday, I skipped church. and when you hear my reason, you'll judge me. but it's okay.... it was worth it. a lot has been happening in my life. for one, I found out who "Tim" is. (see car pranking story) he is exactly who I guessed he would be. and Pellula too. and then they had another lil lady helping them out as well. I had suspected her all along, but kept thinking... "no... not Gabby (not her real name :)) Gabby would NEVER do something like this and then lie to my face about it." never.
well.... she would. and did.
anyway... it's really quite cute. Pellula has an impressive conscience and felt horribly guilty for what she had done.... and once I asked her about she confessed and wouldn't stop apologizing. so I forgave her.
*warning* this could become a very long story and it would even be good. but I can't. not tonight. so I may have to cut some corners. and it may still be long to you. sorry if that bothers you. sorry enough, in fact, to warn you... like I just have. just not sorry enough to change my story-telling.
I found out who did it... and had been scheming, and plotting, and feeling like a pirate or a gang member or a agent for the FBI. I had a lovely little plan... and this is how it went down. a beautiful Sunday morning rolls around.... right after a rainy Saturday. this is important because Sunday was my first Sunday off in far too long and it was perfect pranking weather. that just seemed more like a gift, I suppose, because Saturday was so rainy and not-perfect pranking weather, but it didn't matter cause I worked. anyway. I was running fashionably late for church and came in and found a spot. not right beside Tim.... but very nearly that. and so I saw him... he saw me. just as I wanted it. then I smiled and sang worship songs while I said sorry to God for being so distracted. right before everyone was going to sit down, I slipped out. smoothly. then, I went to work. I'd already secured a jack and an acquaintance to lend a helping hand. we worked quickly. in no time at all there were 4 tires loaded in my car. what a sweet feeling that was. then, the real work began....

if you were Tim, this is how it could have and should have played out:
church is over. you hope you get to go for lunch with that pretty girl... you go outside. everyone is gathered around your car. laughing. not really AT you... but they are mostly just amazed by Danielle's brilliance. you see a note under your windshield, glowing, starkly white in the sunshine. you rush over and open it. it says, "Llama's like tires. Do you? especially the on-the-top-step kind." hmmm. clever. well, you only know one person with Llama's, and that's your best friend who lives on a farm. well, you have all afternoon and a sunny day to deal with this new adventure. so you ask a good friend to help you out, and he... (or she ;) ) complies. you take a nice drive into the country and, low and behold, there on the top step at your best friend's house is a tire! with a note! boy, Danielle sure is clever! what does it say... "Now I feel like a fire. outside. how about that place with no wood (the church). hmm... since there is no wood.... maybe we can see how rubber burns... :)" what?! she's going to burn my tire! nooooo... so you and friend now race back to the church with a sense of urgency burning at your rear. you hurry to the outdoor fire pit and HAZAA! there is tire numero dos. with a note. brilliant. what does it say? this is kind of exciting... "hmmm.. maybe you should go check out the Library I hear they have books on tires. and on how to find things that are lost. or maybe you could just ask at the lost and found to see if any tires have been turned in." that smart girl! she works at the library!! how embarrassing! now I have to go ask a Librarian for help. they'll know I've been outsmarted by a blonde girl. sigh. so you and friend now meander down to the library. good thing they're open till 5:30 on Sundays. especially cause Monday is a holiday! so they won't be open at all then! you go and humbly ask for your tire at the lost and found. they laugh, at you this time, and take you to your tire, and smile and say have a great day! you swallow and nod. time for the next note. should you be afraid...? "You could see if Levi's dad has any spare tires kickin around... I just hope he has the right kind.... " Levi's house?! that's all the way on the hill. ugh. talk about out of the way. hi Levi's dad.... oh you don't know about a tire...? oh... haha.. uh well... see... ummmm. hm. can I just take a quick peek in your backyard...? thanks! and yes. there it is. right where you can see it. and a big final note: "Dear *Tim*. well, you've now had your fun for the day. glad I could help. you're welcome. tell you friends to watch out. I'm not finished. one point for me. have a good day!" wow. she wins.

but in reality this is how it happened:
church is over. you really hope you get to go for lunch with that really pretty girl. oh, hey... its Danielle's little brother... say what?! no. she didn't. she wouldn't. oh, but she did. did she ever! that... that.... ugh (sound of disgust) well.... I have to work till 10.... sooo... I'll play that card. dang it... she didn't go for it. I'll just have to try to wait her out on this one. oh... but she wins. where did she put my tires?! I'll just be lame and steal her license plate. and my own too. mwahaha.. hello? the police you say?! well... uh... ok... I'll try to call her.... hey... so we have to be done. ya. here's $10 to try to begin to cover the car washing bills I've caused you. I know I deserve all I got and more.

ya. Tim wouldn't go get his tires or send anyone to get his tires on Sunday. and I warned hi, cause I'm not all bad. but nooo.. Monday rolls around and now he wants to know where his tires are. well... too bad brother, I say. and yes. I spoke with a police woman. she told me that she thought it was hilarious. but we had to resolve it. incase a small child was able to pull the cinder block out from underneath the car and got hurt... we wouldn't want to be held liable. so.. it's a good thing Tim had a spare.

I was mad. but Tim and I have talked and decided unspokenly to still be friends. so it's a good ending I think. 'cept he really still deserves a few more pranks.... just so we're even.

and his co-helper has yet to taste my wrath.... :)

Sunday, May 9, 2010

it's late.

It's late at night, yet here I am. I need to be sleeping right now, and am not. let me tell you why. I feel that since I have invited you to join me on this hunt for the person who pranked my car, I should keep you informed. I've taken it upon myself to post a couple photos from a couple of the pranks that have been played on me. both with no provocation. (I'm not sure if that's the right word. it's just what spell check gave me when I tried to spell what I'm thinking of) the one with maple syrup and compost is Edwina. my car before Joey. today, as I walked up to my door, after a full day at the 'brary (that's gangster for library), my neighbor stopped me. now, you should know that I have very friendly, and very... uh... hmm.... "interested-in-what's-going-on" neighbors. yes. have you seen "Psycho"? I'm not sure why I think of that movie, but every time I look up, and see her watching me out her bedroom window, I think of it. I wonder if there is a window scene in that movie... anyway, today he comes up and says, "so I see you got a marriage proposal!". I reply..."aha... ha... oh. yeah... I have crazy friends... " (what do I say to that?) THEN... he tells me that his wife saw the whole thing! gold. bingo. money. bonus. jackpot. whatever the kids are calling it now days. hoorah! I ask if I could perhaps take a moment to speak with her. so he calls her out, and she was prrrreeeetttttyyy helpful actually. this is what she saw. there was a small white car-type thing. sort of boxy, like an SUV. and they sat in visitor parking for about an hour. she said that there were three of them, two girls and a boy. the boy had short hair. I asked what color, and she said it looked almost red in the lighting. the one girl had a wrap-type thing around her head, and shoulders, so it was just her face showing. and the girl in the backseat was eating an apple. at this point I'm not longer only thinking about the perpetrators, but also a little about my neighbor... I begin to wonder if she has binoculars. she mentioned that it was when she was about to go to bed, and that she is a night owl. she also that she should really set up a video camera, 'cause she sees lots of other stuff happen too. ...
like what? drug deals? great. just great.
anyway, she also said they were my age, and fast.
tonight, I was sitting with my friends. let's say their names are Tim, Sandy, and Pellula. Tim supposedly was pranked as well, but I never totally believed him. I mentioned that me neighbors told me that they saw the prankers the other night... and it got real quiet. I don't know the two girls super well.... but they just got really interested in organizing their cards. I thought maybe.... maybe, if they had nothing to do with it, they'd say something like, "oh... your car got pranked? what happened" but no. just quiet. and Tim pipes up and says... "oh... really? did they get a description?" .... what kind of a response is that?! ya. I agree.... to whatever you said. *incrimination....*

I found this quote: "Delay in vengeance gives a heavier blow"-John Ford

so I am biding my time.

I also got to make coffee tonight. fancily.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I'm bad at this already.

yes. it's true. I haven't blogged in a coons age. but I'm mostly okay with that.

right now, my friends are sitting in my awkward basement, watching "where the wild things are". I'm not too sure what I think of it. actually, I think I don't really like it. but I like my friends. so I am happy.

today was really an exciting day. or maybe I just live an exciting life. or maybe I let unexciting thing be exciting today. you wouldn't even believe all of the things that happened. so I'll tell you, but it's okay if you don't believe them. just know every last bit is true. look. there's even a picture of me with war paint. that's how exciting today was... and I even look tired. wow. how exciting.

oh, but I think it started (the excitement) last night. I posted this on facebook last night, but it feels like I should post it here too... it seems more... permanent that way:
well... you see... this one time.... like tonight. tonight's "one time" I was all like.... "oh! Hey Jamie! Have you seen my cool trick yet?" and she's all like... "why no! I have not!" And so I'm all like.... "hey, do you have any hand sanitizer...." (KIDS, do not, I repeat, do NOT try this at home) and she says yes. she would say yes. so I snatch up a lighter, and say... "ok. let's go to the bathroom" and so we do. and then she pours it on my hand (she would pour it onto my hand) and I ask Wade to light it. and he does light it. (he would light it). and then it's all cool and blue and on fire on my hands. so cool! only then I suddenly have too much sanitizer, and it's dripping down the back of my hand and the sanitizer is starting to burn through too fast, and I try to shake it out (the fire, that is) but that only adds to it's power, and then I try to clap it out... (that's what I usually do) and it doesn't work fast enough.... and I kind of start to freak out a little, so I wipe the fire "off my hand" (that was the idea) and ONTO my pants. so now my pants are on fire and so are my hands and it smells bad. I keep clapping at it, and win the battle against flame. this time. but not without war wounds. and Jamie's sanitizer smelled like watermelon. the end.

now we can talk about today. I started off the way I do most mornings.... by waking up. I was kind of hurrying out the door to get to work (at the library!) and I see my car. poor, poor Josephine. (do you name your cars? or any other inanimate objects? if you don't, you should) anyway.... Joey (that is what I call her for short) was covered in some sort of white powder. not cocaine. just baby powder. or flour. and it had been raining a lot the day before, so it was quite cake-like. then, it also had a great deal of ketchup. a large flower on the back window, and scribbles everywhere. I couldn't see out my windows, and so it was maybe a little bit dangerous. since I was in a hurry. I only took the time to turn on my windshield wipers. so... shoulder checking... was mostly a no go. a did roll down my windows a wee bit, but not too much cause then it was cold. and also the ketchup would go down into the inside of my door. I didn't like that idea too much. but there was one other thing. cereal letters. kind of like alphagetiis, but I don't think they were. I didn't take the time to look too closely. but these letters were arranged on the hood of my car, and this is what they said,
I wasn't even surprised when I saw that she had been pranked. I'm not too sure why. I guess it happens too often. but this time was a little bit different. I decided to keep what had happened to myself, hoping that the guilty party would incriminate themselves. but I only ended up finding out that several... well.... three... maybe four... other people got pranked. same night. it was a very late night for whomever did it. and I'm more puzzled than I've been in a long while. maybe I'll let you know if this gets resolved.

later, there was a bratty little girl in the library.... she kept lippin her mom off... and then told her mom that she was going to put her card in the book drop box, and, of course, her mom told her not to cause then she wouldn't be able to get books. *gasp* a couple minutes later, the little girl put her card-holding hand, almost in the box, and then looked up at me and dropped it. just like that. so I let her. she's not my child right...? she left the library today. without her card. now it's sitting in the lost and found. at least I didn't throw it out. right? right.

THEN.... the craziest moment at the library happened.... a teenaged young lady comes up to the desk and says, "I found this!" and I look. and in betwixt her finger is a mouse! she's holding it by the tail!! and then I see it squirming, and I see it's little whiskers wiggling s it sniffed the air. yes, it is alive! I responded quite well, exclaiming things, such as: "oh my!" "that's a mouse!" "it's alive!!" "you are crazy!!" "you're holding a live mouse!" "what's wrong with you?!" she calmly explains that she just thought she should let us know that she found it running along the top of a shelf in the children's library. ick. so I call to my supervisor and she shoo's the girl with the mouse outside. a little while later, the girl comes back in, and I ask if she washed her hands, cause she should.... and asked where exactly she found it, and my supervisor comes out, and notices that the girl brought the mouse back in.... in her hoodie pocket!!!! whaaaa....?! we finally decided that it was a mouse from a pet store, as it was very mild mannered. (and really quite cute!! you should have seen the little fella washing his face. SO cute!!) and we gave her a box for him. and he pooped in it. and we let her take it home.

tonight, youth was awesome. I was afraid that it would not be awesome, as my youth pastor just had a baby (well, his wife did. woo hoo!!), and was taking a little family time. so I was in charge. and didn't have a huge plan. but I have great helpers, and we put everyone into four teams and each team was a color, and we painted war paint on our faces to distinguish who was with who. it went so well... I think the kids had a really good time. sometimes I pray about friday nights, and God is pretty faithful to take the events that should be crappy and make them rad.

I like paint on my face. goodnight.