he's still kickin'....

well.. it seems that old man winter finally woke up. i don't mean finally like i was really waiting and starting to feel sad that he hadn't come..... no... i mean finally.... as in i was nearly starting to hope he'd sleep on through these months altogether. we had some nice snow. and a couple sort of cold... er... type days. and it was nice. this. this is the winter i am all too familiar with. the canadian winter that comes ever so rudely and causes me to wonder.... why, oh why are people residing here... in this country.... when the air hurts to inhale because it freezes your lungs a little bit? and why, oh why do i hear canadian geese as i'm typing? tell me if you know.

but. did you know this: the snow starts to make a sound when it gets this cold. when you walk on it... or even drive on it... you can hear the crunch.... moan... crunch crunch. and maybe this makes me a nerd or a hypocrite (what with me hating the bitter cold) but i love that sound. also... sometimes when it's this cold.... there's a ring around the moon that is ever so enchanting. i also love looking over the city when it's this cold.... you can see all the little columns of ... of... smoke... ? gases...? whatever the columns are comprised of.... you can see them all drifting in perfect unison. whichever way the wind may bend them. and i know it probably represents a serious lack of "green-thinking" which i am normally all for.... but it just looks so very cozy. and... safe or something.

i think those are really the only nice things i have to say about the bitter cold. you see, i love winter (for a time not as long as it usually is) but i despise the bitter cold. (except for the things mentioned above.) and i love-love summer. so...

but winter is (without the bitter cold) so romantic. let's be honest here. it brings a completely transforming beauty to the familiar. the delicate frost that clings even to the abandoned cobwebs. the diamond dust snow that swirls in a dance orchestrated  by unseen hands. the naked trees cloak themselves in white. the ice sculpts itself into works of art along the river banks.

and so on.

back.

and so. it's been far too long and i've been missing this without even realizing it i suppose. i left on a rather dreary note, or so it sounds (it wasn't meant to sound quite as murky as it probably did) ..... but.. c'est la vie. you don't appreciate the sunshine quite as fully without the days of rain. i think we all need days of rain. they deepen the soul and show us our desperate need for a rock. my Rock has been unfailingly sturdy. its funny how you can know that your whole life maybe. and its just as true ten years ago as it is now. but the way you know it can change. and maybe sometimes you need to re-learn that truth again. and again..... and even again it seems. so the rain waters us. refreshes us. and we need it even. and i can even appreciate them. but sometimes, i still get tired of the rainy days. call me shallow if you will, but i prefer the sunshine days in my life. the sunshine feeds me and seems to warm my very heart. but now i can strive to take each sunny day as a gift and savor it.

well now. enough of that. on to more pressing matters...

i like vegetables. and i like vegetables so much more with ranch. i don't like that i like vegetables so much more with ranch. it seems..... superficial. or something. but, every time you put a veggie platter in front of me with dip... i'm going to dip. guaranteed. and i'll probably even watch you to see if you think double-dipping is socially acceptable. even if i know its probably not.

at this moment, i'm sitting in the lodge. being that person who's hanging out and loving the noisy quiet and nerding out by reading and writing and thinking lots and looking at the beautiful winter colors and studying the design of the fog dancing across the treetops. i'm here with the school so in my defense it's a different sort of ski day than i'd normally do. and when i say normally i mean once this winter and then about four years ago since the second last time. i enjoy "hitting the slops" (notice my cool snowboarder lingo) a couple times a season and then i'm good. my ski hill tank is full. i like being outside.... so long as it's not freezing. i like going fast.... as long as i don't feel out of control. but probably my favorite thing is going with friends. i can't really see myself ever just going by myself to "be one with the hill".... yeah... no. not me. anyway. i'm glad to be here today. it was so gross outside when we got here, but now the blue sky is showing it's lovely smiling face. we've been so spoiled this winter.

i think i need to learn how to make my writing flow better. it's always so choppy and sporadic. or i could embrace it. call it my "style".... also.... i need to learn how to write interesting things. or write about boring things interestingly. i like doing that. but sometimes i don't like that i'm not always good at it.

my roommate and i have been housesitting AND babysitting three lovely children since a week ago this past wednesday. pretty much playing established parents. taking the kids to soccer.... making supper... doing laundry.... giving baths.... breaking up fights.... it's been fun. that sounds sarcastic but i'm being entirely sincere. don't get me wrong.... i'm excited to be going back to my home tonight.... but this has been pretty great. i've been thinking a lot about how parenting is designed to work. it's ideally designed that you are with someone who is committed to you and you to them. you have a history together and a mutual respect. you can be a team. then, when you find out that you're going to be parents you'll have at least nine months to try to wrap your head around that reality... (more if you've been planning for this) and then. when you first have to be a parent... for reals... the baby can only eat, poop, cry, sleep. and repeat. and as they grow, you can too. you can grow into the parenting role that is required of you. how lovely. it's just so wonderfully thought out and orchestrated. and even though i love these kids, i'm glad i can give them back.

thats all the pressing news that i'm willing to share with you today. i hope you wear a smile today. the kind you see in dental advertisements.

do you ever...

do you ever feel so full of thoughts that go so deep you're almost afraid to let them have any space, because once you start peering into them and sifting through them you'll suddenly find that there is no bottom to this pool. so you maybe avoid them... or squelch them... and it works sometimes, and the bustle of life helps it work.

but then it gets real quiet. like... on a saturday that started out with blue skies that changed into churning black clouds with hail and lightning and thunder. and it's a beautiful sort of noisy outside... but inside... inside of you.... it's quiet. and the pool is there... and all those thoughts start rising... and suddenly it's hard to find higher ground to stand on.. where you can keep entirely dry of the full, deep thoughts.

and then you consider just dipping your toe into the thought pool. or maybe even diving right in. it's not so much fun to run away from thinking... cause full, deep thinking sometimes has much to do with full, deep feeling.

sometimes... in stringing words together, I can find a certain... rhythm to the chaos called my mind. I journal a lot. and even more so during those times when I'm swimming in the pool of thoughts. I find that it often helps put things in perspective... or bring a semblance of order. or help me come to terms with a total lack of order. sometimes I write in circles. but it's okay I think. anyway... I think I've been quiet in this, the blog world, because I've been so full of thoughts. and they're much too scattered for even me to sort into a coherent word-flow. and maybe too deep.

but. I need to remember that deep is not always a bad thing.

ladybug.... s.

it's spring here in my lovely city. the signs are everywhere. *I'm choosing to completely ignore the snowfall that lasted the entire day yesterday. it was probably just a foggy winter memory.... I was probably subconsciously missing winter.... and imagined the whole thing. in fact, I'm quite sure that's what happened.* anyway.... today, at work, I was on "supervision" for recess.... twice. fridays are the only day I'm on in both the morning and the afternoon, and when it was bitterly cold, I dreaded that duty. but, as I said, spring is taking the city by storm. and today, the ladybugs showed me that. and when I say ladybugs I mean ladybugs with a capitol S. I have never seen so many! it's exciting. and the kids.... well, you would have thought that they were finding diamonds in the leaves.... and they treasured them (in their own smothering sort of way) as those each ladybug had a little heart inside that was filled with feelings... this morning, one little boy had his hands cupped, with a little ladybug crawling around inside.... I asked if it had a name... and he said, "yeah, I named him Rosie." while all the other kids were collecting as many as they could and continually searching for more, he was content to love this one. he spent the whole time walking around with it, petting it like it was a kitten. talking in the little i-love-you sort of voice. you know the kind I mean. we set them free (even if they were mildly scarred) when we went inside and I told the kids we could find them again during the next recess. so, later, when we went back out, this same boy asked me, "Mrs. Cochrane..... can you help my find the baby ladybug...?" I said, "oh, the one you had this morning... Rosie?" "yea.." he said. I said I would.... so we begin rummaging through the leaves left from last fall, along with all the other children. I found my very first ladybug this spring.... (and it didn't take long) and asked him if this was "the one". he said, "oh! yeah!" and I give it to him, and he says, "hello Rosie! I missed you!" and presumed his playground stroll with his dear pet Rosie.... the man ladybug.

lack of google.

it used to go like this. a question or a thought would sprout in my mind....  and I would wonder about it. with that wondering in hand, I would walk to my computer and type a few key words into la google search engine and discover a whole plethora of information which would either answer my question or expand my vast knowledge into even vaster-ness. now... well, things have changed. I no longer have free internet that I can borrow from a neighbor. (they must have added a password. I'm glad for them... really. it's so much smarter to have a password these days. I'm not sure why... I just imagine that it is. smarter that is.) so now, things are different. I check the weather by opening my window. I have a thought or a question.... and it sits there. and I mull it over... and let the thoughts wander and grow and become creative. and I wonder. and then I wonder some more. and then I forget. which is sort of like an endless wondering... because, you see.... when the computer is in front of me and the internet is available, I'll have forgotten my urgent question. and all the wondering that I did, is all I did. for that moment. then the thought will come back, hopefully at another inopportune time, and I will allow it to grow more....  and more and more and more... because, one day.... it'll grow so big, it can't help but bloom into something beautiful..

*serious side note*- and not really serious.... but seriously to the side:

woah. I just discovered that the blinky typing stick..... you know... the one that follows the last letter you wrote.... blinks in time to my ticking alarm clock. each second. 

also, the internet really is a wonderful place. even a wonder-ful place. full of knowledge. and wonder. but I just think it's sometimes nice to not have an instant answer for the question that has barely been born. sometimes it's nice to have to wonder.

Miss... not Mrs.

so I have a few things that have happened in my life since we last spoke. important things, such as flying back to winter, and getting very ill, and getting a job. this post is mostly going to be about the very last thing. and maybe a little about the first. and preferably not at all about the one in the middle. cause that one is over. and I'm trying to keep the memory out of my consciousness.

I have a new job. it's quite different from the jobs I've done before. most of the people I'm dealing with through the course of the day are under three and a half feet. I'm an "educational assistant" in a kindergarten classroom. and there are fourteen children. fourteen. fourteen. it's.... an adventure. it really is. and they really say the funniest things. such as.....

-"Miss Chochrane, Miss Cochrane.... she said "duh" and duh is a swear word!"
-"(name inserted here) just said the O word! they said, "oh my gosh!""
-"are you a mom?" "no" "then what are you?"
-(taking off her glasses) "this is how I looked when I was young"
-"I'm in love with Justin Beaver"
-"I was here a looonnnnggg time ago. like when I was four!"

and a plethora of others. I'm sure you'll be hearing more and more about them. they have astounding personalities. but they haven't all caught that I'm a Miss.... not a Mrs. but I've begun to correct them in earnest as of today.

also, it's winter. and I'm ready.... no, I am SO ready for it not to be. but. things are looking promising. spring MUST be just around the corner. and I can't really go traipsing off to a hot place every time I get tired of the cold, now can I? ... can I? hm.
... well, I don't really want to leave, anyway.

so I suppose I'll just have to wait for the diamond dust to melt and convince the spring grass to grow the brightest green it's ever thought of growing.....

I hate mini eggs. and that hate grows with each egg that goes into my mouth.

also, I tried making falafels last night for a potluck I had with friends. they were nicknamed "awful falafels". you can tell the depth of their success by that nickname.

I'ma gunna go craft now. or something along those lines....

someday I'll share another photo with you. honest.

did you know?

spiders can grow to be quite large? they can. and they can jump on your back, and begin building a web... but you won't even notice until you look in the mirror. and see something on your back. oh... weird... is that your hair? and just while you're wondering at what that is, it'll fly through the air, like Peter Pan. and land with a thud on the counter top in the bathroom. and before your mind has fully realized what that is or even made the connection that it was on you, your mouth has opened and sound flies out. a sound that is something akin to a scream. but not a scream. your brain catches up. and you clutch your heart so it doesn't race right out of your chest. you step back... slowly.... and go find some boy to handle this situation. and you feel like less of a silly girl when you realize that they don't really like big spiders either. but they help you anyway. and the spider goes for a swim down the toilet. and now, you can shower in peace.

also... did you know?

you can ruin your iPod by having your water bottle barely open in your bag. and it can hold incredible amounts of water. and then, those same boys will help you be knowledgeable enough to totally take apart your iPod. and put it in a container of rice. and then you can hope that you'll be able to get all the rice out... and hope that you'll be able to put it back together. and then you can hope that it will work for you again.

and HERE is a little break for you... from all that learning.